How to Zombie-Proof Your Home

Keep the undead minions at bay with low-tech perimeter security

Zombie attack
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Are you prepared for a zombie apocalypse? Sure it sounds silly, but even the U.S. Centers For Disease Control and Prevention now has a webpage devoted to preparing for a zombie apocalypse. The CDC's page mainly covers items you should have on hand for any disaster, and it doesn't go into how to defend your home. What's a homeowner to do?

Alarm Systems Won't Stop Zombies

While a home alarm system is a great addition to your overall security posture, it will not prevent a zombie from breaking into your home and feasting on your brain. An alarm system is only good for notifying the police and your neighbors, who may have already been turned into zombies. It is better to keep the undead out of your house entirely rather than be alerted by a shrill alarm as they are preparing to eat you.

If you've ever been unfortunate enough to be the victim of a break-in by criminals, not zombies, you know they were probably in and out of your house in less than five minutes. They kicked through a dead-bolted door, grabbed some stuff, and were gone. Most people's alarm entry delays may not have even finished counting down by the time these criminals were in and out of the house.

It turns out that most criminals (and zombies) don't bother trying to pick your lock or break your window; they give your door one or two strong kicks and drive the deadbolt through the door jamb. Simple, effective, and quick.

With this in mind, you need to take a few steps to keep thieves (and zombies) from breaking into your home.

Kick-Proof Your Doors

Zombie's love to kick things and use the sheer force of their undead will to break down your door. Rather than having to replace a door, you might benefit from a product like Door Jamb Armor.

Door Jamb Armor is sold in kits and should effectively kick-proof your door once installed. It works by reinforcing the weak points of a door such as the door jamb, hinges, and the area around the locks. Armor Concepts has kits for do-it-yourselfers that can either be installed during a door replacement or retrofitted onto a door that is already installed.

Judging by the YouTube videos on the company's website, Door Jamb Armor appears to work as advertised and the warranty indicates they company they will pay your insurance deductible (up to a certain amount) should its product fail to do it's job (although he warranty may not cover zombie damage).

Baseball Bat-Proof Your Windows

Both thieves and resourceful zombies love to smash their way into things with baseball bats. If they can't get in through your door, their next choice is a window. You probably have a lot of windows that might even go from floor to ceiling as seems to be the trend for houses built since the '90s.

You are also likely to have side windows by your front door. Windows by the front door make it easy for someone to break in because they just have to break a small pane of glass and reach in to turn the deadbolt. Unless you have a double-cylinder deadbolt without a key in it, zombies will get in easily.

Windows are notoriously easy to break. You know that zombies feel no pain, so they won't care if they get cut by the broken glass. Fortunately, A.C.E Security Laminates 400 has just what you need. A.C.E makes what is called a Security Laminate which looks like window-tinting ​film but is many times stronger. The security laminate is installed over your existing window panes and is practically invisible after it bonds to the glass.

The burglar-resistant version of the security laminate offers ample protection against zombies, but for the ultra-paranoid, A.C.E also makes bullet and bomb-resistant versions of their laminates. Look up "Ace Security Laminates" on YouTube to see how the company's security laminate-protected windows hold up against guns, bats, news reporters, and all kinds of other stuff.

Zombies can pound their heads and fists at your security laminate-protected windows for days, and your windows will likely hold up without breaking. You can have the laminate installed professionally, or you can purchase a DIY kit.

There is also a version of the film available for installation on your car windows to prevent zombie carjacking as well.

Remove Potential Zombie Hiding Places

Some zombies may saunter around your yard aimlessly, but others may hide behind shrubbery. Keep bushes and shrubs trimmed low around windows and doors. Add landscape spotlights to keep your home well lit at night. Add motion-detecting lights to your porch, carport, and garage areas.

If you follow these tips, hopefully, the zombies will move on and seek an easier house to get into. Just remember, an ounce of prevention now may be worth a pound of flesh later. Keep up with all the latest zombie outbreaks and zombie-related news by visiting the Zombie Research Society's website.